Dirty Cop
by metallicanirvana
Summary: Cartman is 30, he has a steady job as a cop but one day everything goes wrong. Cartman kills his partner and his life is suddenly turned upside down as he believes he will get caught very soon. Cartman's new partner is Kenny, who has returned from New Yor
1. Kenny's return, Kyle's dead

-1His lifeless body hangs upside down, his legs are tied together but now his feet have been ripped apart by a sharp sword. A rope was tied to his penis but now there is an empty space and a pool of blood. His head has been shot 3 times just so he can feel pain and bleed to death. His eyes were gorged out with a hook, his nose was shattered with a hammer. His torso has cuts all over since a blade dug deep into his flesh. I have killed this hippie in the most extreme way I could think of that was still humane. I ran away from the abandoned factory as fast as I could, making sure I leave behind no tracks. If I was caught doing this crime I would surely face a harsh punishment. I run to a flash house where a good friend of mine lives.

" Damn it, what the fuck do you want?" Stan asks as I knock hard on his door but he gestures me in.

"Kyle, Kyle, Uncle Cartman is here," Stan screams at his son who was named after his best friend. Kyle says hi but I can't look the kid in the eyes. I relax a little and tell him I need a place to crash.

"Why?"

"Come on Stan,"

"Ok if Wendy says it's okay," Wendy and Stan have been married happily for 10 years. It kind of makes me think if I should settle down since I'm 30 now. They both got married when they were 20, a little to young but I guess they were destined for each other. I feel a little guilty sitting here with Stan, I have killed a very good friend of his and I am enjoying a cup of tea and some biscuits with the guy.

"Well I'm going to go ask Wendy if it's okay if I crash here tonight," I finish my biscuits and take the reminder of the tea with me to see Wendy. She hasn't liked me since elementary school probably because I am an asshole. Plain and simple.

"Hey Wendy…." Before I get the chance to ask her my cell phone goes off and I answer it.

"Cartman, your partner is dead,"

"What?" I asked trying to pretend like I give a fuck. My voice seems to be laced with fake concern so much that Wendy looks a little worried.

"He was found with in an abandoned factory and he had been tortured before his death,"

"Who could have done such a thing?"

"I'm not sure Eric but I hope you can make it too work tomorrow." He hangs up and I pause for a second. Wendy, a person who hates me had to be standing opposite to me when I got that phone call. She looks at me kind of weirdly but doesn't ask any questions other than do you need to stay the night. The whole night was filled with nightmares of what I did. I have known this guy most of my life and know he is dead and it's my fault.

"Get up Fat ass,"

"Damn it you fucking Jew," The words just slipped out of me and I awoke in a very awkward situation. Stan and his son where standing next to me trying to get me up and I had just used a profanity and racism. Wow I'm so glad it's Stan and not Wendy. I quickly get out of bed and luckily I was already in my work clothes since last night. I had hidden the gloves and radiation suit I had used to cover my tracks. I got the idea of the radiation suit after watching the Simpsons. I left my car at home so Stan offered to drive me to work.

"Wendy told me about the phone call you had last night, what was it about??" Stan turns down the radio and waits for a serious response. For a second his eyes went off the road and looked straight into mine. I felt very uneasy and I had no idea how to tell him.

"My partner….. He is uhhh," I see the police station just up the road so I decide to tell him before someone else does it.

"My partner is dead," I jumped out of the car as it stopped and ran my chubby ass as fast as I could. I wanted to stop as soon as I heard Stan crying, he was crying…. A fully grown man was…. Crying!!!! His sounds of sorrow is washed away as soon as I enter the building.

"Cartman, my office," Token Black the chief of the police force takes no crap from anyone but today his eyes showed a hint of weakness, a hint of….sadness. I follow Token to his office and take a seat opposite his desk.

"I know your last partner was one of the best on the team but he is sadly gone now, a new officer has transferred out of New York, he used to live here. He is going to be your new partner and since I know you want to solve the case of who killed your partner you guys already got a crime to solve."

"Who is this new partner?"

"He went elementary with us, he was the one that moved away to New York just after 6th grade, the poor blonde kid, Kenneth McCormick," Kenny walks though the door no doubt listening to our conversion.

"Fuck you Token," He says not caring that it's his new boss. Kenny's blonde hair was it's messy self, his blue eyes were filled with hope and his orange parka was unhooded. Poor Kenny, buying his clothes from a budget store that sells only one kind of crappy clothing. He has been wearing that since kindergarten.

"Shut up you poor bitch, okay Ken from now on you got to show me respect, I am your boss now,"

"Fine," He gives Token a wide grin but I can't help but ignore their love fest.

"Kenny, damn it, why did you come back to town you poor fuck,"

"Shut up fat ass, I didn't want to be paired up with you,"

"Like I wanted you to be my partner, how did you even pass police school? Don't you need money to do that?"

"Fuck you Cartman, I wish you had died instead," Suddenly the mood shifted, I don't know which way it shifted but everything was different. There was a deafening silence and so much tension between the three of us I was afraid one of us might explode. I felt such hate towards Kenny, I could have killed him right there.

"Well you two got a job too do, find out who killed Cartman's last partner" We both nodded before waving at Token before leaving his office.

"Bring your car?" I shake my head, I left my car at home and I still feel extremely pissed at Kenny. I want to rip his balls off with my bare hands. Kenny leads me to his car, an undercover car just like mine but it is a lot flasher than mine.

"Dude…. R35 Skyline GTR? Where did you get the money for that?"

"Worked 3 jobs for a couple of years, I had no social life but meh, got time for rubbish like that now," I ignore his words as I stare at the metallic blue paint that I love, I always wanted this car.

"Well your driving, it's been ages since I been in this town,"

"Maybe we should grab a meal and catch up before we investigate the abandon factory, I don't work well with people I hate and you might be able to convince me that you're my old best friend," It sounded cheesy but I'm hungry.

"Never said no to free food and we were old best friends?"

"Oh…. That came out wrong," I could feel my cheeks turn red and I just ignored his smirk and drove towards a fancy restaurant on the north side of South Park.

"It's a new restaurant, only been around for about 5 years but the food is awesome." I park the car in an empty space and hop out. Kenny walks into the restaurant while I stand outside a little longer than necessary. I know it's only a matter of time till I get caught, till they found out I was the one that killed my old partner. I must sound fucking weak right now.

"What can I get you two?….. Kenny?" Bebe voice sounds way to friendly even for a waiter that is forced to be nice.

"Yeah it's weird Bebe works at a 5 star restaurant, I thought she would have become a hooker by now,"

"Shut up fuck face. Cartman, do you know why you never had a steadily relationship… well a relationship?"

"Cause I don't need one, Bebe do you know why you such a slut that you have one night stands more than once a night?"

"I do not…. I never had a one night stand in fact I have never…. Uhhh never mind, so Kenny how have you been?"

"I been busy ever since I returned from Afghanistan,"

"You served in Iraq?"

"Yeah but as a peace keeper,"

"Pussy," I laugh right at Kenny's face, Afghanistan was such a long time ago anyways.

"I think it's very brave," Bebe gives Kenny a warm smile and takes a seat next to him.

"Hey bitch your suppose to be serving,"

"Fuck up Fat ass," Another waiter comes and asks for our orders, Bebe even orders a lunch to have. Kenny and I were suppose to be catching up right now but instead he and Bebe are talking loads and telling stories. That asshole has the chance to catch up with his former best friend but he refuses to do so and instead talks to some 25 cent whore.

"Well I'll call you Kenny, got to get back to work, Craig will growl me, you remember Craig right?" Kenny nods his head and says bye before attending the rest of his meal.

"What the hell was that Ken?"

"What do you mean?" His voice was muffled as he attempted to talk while having lobster meat in his mouth.

"You could have caught up with me but instead you talked to that whore,"

"Dude, were partners, we are going to be spending a lot of time together," I guess he has a good point but still…. After years and years I haven't seen this bastard and now he is back in town. My former best friend and I hope I can erase the former bit.

"Eric, we got to get going to the crime scene,"

"Kenny, you just got back in town don't you want to spend some time hanging out, it's an abandon factory after all, we got all day to investigate it,"

"Cartman, I came back to this town for my job, I'll complete that and then muck around,"

"Fine," I didn't see a bill and ask Bebe for it and she said it's on the house, I run the fuck out of the restaurant before Craig comes. He would probably flip me off as usually or throw a tantrum about nothing. He can be such a bitch at times.

As I enter Kenny's car I watch Kenny talking to Bebe and saying bye. This bothers me and I don't know if I'm jealous or if it's just that I don't like Kenny and Bebe. Probably the latter. I beep the horn and Kenny hurries it up a little bit. Maybe it's better that I take a bit of time, what if Kenny finds out I was the one that killed my last partner. He is bound to find it out sooner or later and I rather it be later.

"Ok Cartman, drive to the abandon factory where your last partner was killed,"

"Ok, there is something you need to know about my last partner,"

"What is it?"

"You knew him as a child, you knew him well so maybe I should take this one,"

"Nah dude I'll be fine, you must have known him well, all these years, it must be hard on you just to walk into the area," Well I tried, it's only a short amount of time before this crime is solved and I'm in prison or killed. Why did I do it? My last partner tried so many times to correct my wrongs, to help me but I was just disgusted by his ways. Since we were kids we were enemies but at the same time friends, I never imagined I would end up killing the guy.

"Seems like you made a new friend Ken,"

"New friend? Nah just catching up with old ones,"

"Well you want to catch up with some more old ones? Stan? Wendy?"

"Maybe later, what's with you wanting to dodge the crime scene," Oh fuck I might look a little suspicious if I continue trying to delay the inspection.

"It's just….." I trail off, my brain wasn't able to come up with a response.

"Oh sorry Cartman, I keep forgetting it is your old partner, a good friend of yours, you probably miss him so much already…. Maybe we will see Stan and Wendy." Last time I saw Kenny was at Stan and Wendy's wedding and he hasn't been in South Park since. He called once or twice a year but in the past 3 or 4 years he has become distant, we all thought he had died…again and for some reason he was taking a little longer to return.

"Well this is Stan and Wendy's house,"

"Wow it's a flash house, dude look at this, they got a swimming pool,"

"Yeah I know, Stan is a lawyer and Wendy is an doctor, good pay together, they are like fucking millionaires."

"You think they would be home?"

"Yeah, they would be, I know they took a day off today," I walk up to the nice green door and knock on the door. The door opens to show a sobbing Stan and a Wendy that looks extremely sad. Oh fuck!! I just forgot I told Stan that my partner was dead.

"You two okay?" Wendy observed Kenny closely as if trying to figure out who he was.

"Kenny? Stan…. Kenny is here," We both walk into the house and take a seat next to Stan. Kenny tightly embraces him and starts to question him on what happen.

"Kyle is dead,"

"Kyle? What… Cartman why didn't you tell me dude,"

"Kyle…. Was my old partner," Kenny suddenly looks at me sharply, a hint of annoyance in his eyes is hidden by the sorrow. I hope he doesn't find out that I was the one that killed Kyle, I don't know how I could live if Kenny found out or if Stan found out and they didn't tell anyone. I'm starting to regret what I did, maybe I was wrong to kill Kyle.

"Cartman, we got to go their right now, figure out who did it and put that bastard behind bars," Usually I would be so happy at a statement like that but I don't know how to respond, the bastard that did it is me.

"Ok Kenny lets go then, catch you some other time Stan," We get out of the house and I start driving towards the abandon factory that I killed Kyle at. As we walk into the factory we can see it's empty except for Kyle's lifeless body. His blood is all over the ground, he looks like a pig that has been hung upside down in order to let the blood drain out. Kenny spewed up after glancing on the body, the shock value was more intense than I ever imagined and I was the one that did it. I did it all, I am the reason he is hanging upside down and is dead.

"Take the photographs and lets get out of here, we will get the medical examiner in here tomorrow," Kenny words made my heart stop, I know I went through crazy lengths to stop myself getting caught. Rubber gloves were the obvious thing to use but maybe I left behind something else. I wonder what I have left behind….

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock Time is running out and it's only a short amount of time before they find me.


	2. The funeral

-1"The photos show no nothing, you weren't able to pick up evidence?" Token asks me and Kenny but we shake our heads.

"Well I'm sending Butter's to inspect the body more closely and bring it the medical centre in the basement," I started to get a little nervous, Butter's was pretty good at his job and what if I left something behind… what if he can find something linking me to the crime.

"Are you okay Cartman?" Kenny suddenly asks me but I nod and just make a claim that I miss my partner. The butt fucking Jew rat, why couldn't you have died naturally, it would have been so much easier on me.

"Come on Cartman, I'll drive you home, I got a date with Bebe later on anyways,"

"Bebe? Nice Kenny, Nice" Says Token as if he is truly amazed that Kenny was able to get a date with Bebe. Everyone has been wanting Bebe since like elementary school and Wendy even though she was taken. They were suppose to be the two hottest girls in South Park but I don't see what the big deal over them was. I mean I wouldn't mind fucking either of them but that's as far as I would go with them

"Cartman, I know it must be hard on you, losing Kyle and all… he was one of our best friends since childhood," Me and Kenny are all alone in his nice skyline. I think he has forgotten something about our childhood. Me and Kyle weren't really friends, I was as Kyle put it… "a leach that wouldn't fuck off and needed to get laid,"

"Yeah Kenny, I miss him but I'm sure glad your back in town, I think your even better than Kyle at being my partner,"

"Really?"

"Yeah, me and Kyle worked so well together but something about me and you… it's like we just click you know," I lie cause I don't feel the magically chemistry between me and Kenny but the blonde hair dumbass doesn't need to know that.

"You know what Eric, I was a little pissed off at the start that it was Kyle who died and not you because you always dissed me for being poor and called me nasty names, but I 'm starting to think I like you as a partner, your not as bad of an asshole as you used to be,"

"You know what Kenny, this skyline is sweet, your not as poor s you used to be," I was glad to see him giving me a grin.

"Yeah, moving to new york was a good move for my family, my dad worked hard and got pretty rich,"

"Really?"

"Yeah," He drops me off at my house but I can't help but think there is something I got to do before Butters inspects the body. I got to go dig a massive hole somewhere and burry him. Wait I got a better idea, I can set the abandon factory on fire, any evidence they got will be gone. I grab a can of gasoline and some matches and chuck it into my car. It's not as nice and fancy as Kenny's car but it still does the job.

"Where are you going honey?"

"Just for a little ride Nelly," My current girlfriend Nelly is good for three things, cooking, cleaning and sex. The dumb bitch doesn't know how I cheat on her every chance I get, let I really want a good relationship with a girl. Every guy has one thing in their mind, blasting a female's vaginal pups, thrusting and spilling as much semen as they can. Fuck I feel like hiring a hooker right now but I got a job to do.

The abandon warehouse has a cold and eerie feeling to it. I throw gasoline everywhere that I could, all over Kyle's body and all over the walls and ground. I didn't get much of the place covered since it was a huge factory and a small can of gas.

"Good bye Kyle, you god dam Jew," I set the Warehouse on fire and watch as the flames slowly spread. From outside I watch Kyle's decaying flesh start to burn and get cooked, smells delicious to be awesome like roast chicken.

"Eric, what's going on?" I turn to see Clyde walking near me.

"I'm not sure, somehow the warehouse caught on fire, where is Butters?"

"He is sick, why is there a gasoline can in your hand? Your under arrest Eric!"

"Hey, you can't arrest me, your meant to take blood samples and shit," I pull out my gun and shoot Clyde a few times.

"Fuck you, Cartman you asshole,"

"No fuck you Clyde," I say as I pick up his dying body and chuck it into the fire. I watch as he screams at the steering pain, his body slowly burns and he feels every moment of it. I throw the gasoline can at him. Another person I killed, I had to kill Clyde too protect myself, I would have been arrested and sentenced for life. Now it's a double homicide but on the plus side there is no evidence of it. All that remains is ashes of what used to be.

My cell phone rings and I look at it pissed off, it's Stan. What the hell does that Jew loving Hippie want? I would like it if I got rid of Stan too but then it would be too suspicious.

"Hey Cartman,"

"Hey Stan,"

"I just wanted to say that I want you too give a eulogy at Kyle's funeral,"

"what?" I asked a tad annoyed that he is asking me to do something like that.

"Other than me, Kyle saw you as his best friend,"

"He did?"

"Yeah, since Kenny moved and Butters is a pussy you were his second best friend, he would even annoy me by talking about you and how great of a cop you were. I think he idolised you and the work you did,"

"Well I have to admit I did save his ass once or twice,"

"You got to say a eulogy, Kenny is going to saying one and he hasn't been best friends with the guy for about 20 years. When Kenny moved away it affected all of us and that's why I think he is perfect for doing eulogy. Kyle, Kenny, Me and you were unbreakable when we were kids, you had to have at least two of us if you wanted one, Wendy found that out but I don't think she cared since Kyle was such a great guy," God damn it, Stan is yapping on and on like a bitch.

"Alright dude, I'll do it, anyways I like have to go now so later,"

"See ya dude," I hang the phone up and jump into my car. I drive away, soon there will be work mates around here, to check what's happening…. I think I can safely assure I have gotten rid of all the evidence. As the fire burns on and on, so does my love of the present. I always hated Kyle and I can't believe he is finally dead.

-

There as he laid lifeless I tried to had my smile. Kyle, I had killed you, you drove me to it and I had to do it. The crowd at his funeral was huge, I hope they are all just making sure the Jew rat is dead. Stan said his little speech, the gay kind of speech he used too always say.

"You know I've learnt something today, I was so confused about what to say today, it had to be perfect cause my best friend was perfect but I have realised that he wouldn't care if I totally screwed up. He is that great of a friend, in fact he is such a nice guy he wouldn't even mind if I danced on his grave. I wish you were still alive buddy," He said with a tear becoming visible under his right eye. Kenny's speech wasn't much better.

"It's been around 20 years or more since I used to be attach to Kyle. We used to be inseparable, me, him, Stan and Cartman. We used to play together all the time, get in trouble together and back then I was known as the poor one. Stan was the pussy and Cartman was the sadistic fat asshole, in the same respect Rest in Peace Jew. Wish I had kept in contact with you, wish I knew you in the later part of your life,"

It was my turn, I was about to give a eulogy for a person I had killed, my partner and a friend.

"Kyle and me were partners, he was a good damn cop if I ever saw one. As many of you know, he died on duty, me and him were sent to investigate a place where a serial killer was suspected to be hiding. The son of a bitch shot him dead, he died in my arms… his last words were "kill him". My only regret is that the guy is still on the run. I'll miss you man, RIP Kyle,"

At the reception I ran into family members of Kyle, friends that we both shared and complete strangers that asked me about his final day. The fact is it was a lie, I had filed in that rumour myself, claiming that a FBI most wanted was hiding in this old house that I saw. I killed him, claimed that the guy had run away after shooting Kyle. Ever since that, there has been a search for the guy.

"Cartman, can I have a word with you?" Kenny asked and I nodded as we walked to his grave.

"What was he like?"

"uhh, he was the same old Kyle, just like he was all those years ago."

"you know, it's things like this that make me think that this is a bad job. He was one of my best friends back then and if he wasn't a cop, then we could have spend time together you know,"

"It's kind of weird, on his last day, he said something to me that I didn't expect him to say…"

"What did he say?" Kenny said, staring down at his grave.

"You remember that kid that used to hang out with me, you and Stan? You know Kenny McCormick, what ever happened of him? I miss him you know, I wish that he was back in South Park."

"wow, well the lord holds thee now, one day I'll see you again Kyle and we can spend time together, the time that we never got to share cause I had to move. I always thought what had happen to my best friends," Kenny got up and left. I have this weird feeling in my heart, I almost feel… remorse for my actions. I'm actually starting to miss the guy but it had to be done.


	3. Uncle Cartman

I was home alone today, I was able to milk Kyle's death to take a week off saying I felt depressed

I was home alone today, I was able to milk Kyle's death to take a week off saying I felt depressed. I kind of felt sad at one thing, I was living alone… Stan had a family and even that Jew had a family. I left his two kids fatherless but I just had to do it. Something snapped in my mind I just had to… Suddenly there is a knock on my door which I go and investigate.

"Oh it's you," I say opening my door and gesturing him in.

"Yeah it's me." Kenny replied with a grin. He seemed too happy about everything.

"How are you doing?" He asked with a more serious tone as we sat down on my couch.

"Alright considering the circumstances." I say, he had no idea I was referring to me not getting caught. I'll be damned if I was going to truly moan Kyle's death.

"Well Token still wants us to investigate the case… and Clyde's death. I think whoever killed Kyle must have killed Clyde. The serial killer must have gone to Kyle's body so he could burn the evidence and Clyde just happened to catch him so he had to die too…" Kenny says. That was the truth; I had to kill Clyde… I didn't have anything against him but he had to die.

"It's funny I remember when we were little… this one time we decided to play detectives instead of Laundry owners… Kyle said he wanted to be a cop ever since then…." I say, trying to distract Kenny. I don't know how good of a cop he is but he might be able to piece it all together. What if I left some evidence, any evidence, that can be tracked back to me?

"Yeah, I wish I had the chance of knowing the adult Kyle… I wanted to return and see how you guys were. You were the best friends I ever had but I was always too busy and now it's too late." Kenny said a little down.

"Uhh, anyways… what's going on with you and Bebe?" I say trying to get off the Kyle subject completely. Kenny suddenly turned a little red, I don't know why he is a fully grown man now.

"Well… we are dating I guess, she is a real nice lady you know." He responded. As far as I was concerned ladies aren't nice. You shouldn't date them… you fuck them and get them out of your house. Unless if they are rich, then you try and get them pregnant, get married and split her fortune in half.

"Yeah, I haven't spoken to much in the past decade or so but she is a nice chick." I say.

"Didn't Kyle have a wife too?" He asked.

"Yeah… remember that Nelly chick?" I ask.

"Yeah, I remember when we were little and all the girls made a list that ranked us from hottest to ugliest and Butters kicked her thinking she had balls." Kenny said with a smirk.

"That was Kyle's wife, they had two kids…" Kyle had left behind a big capital; it wasn't so much as his own work as Nelly worked for Kyle's dad as a lawyer.

"Nelly was hot, Kyle really ended up with her? I could have sworn Butters would." I don't respond to that. Kenny has changed a little bit but a lot of his old traits are still there. He is still a friendly, calm clown that is always smiling.

"We should go visit them."

"I haven't done that since… Kyle died." I didn't really want to face Nelly and the kids, they don't have a clue but I was the one that killed their beloved Jew.

"Well it's a good time now, your not doing anything." I was about to say I was getting ready to do something but I guess I should go see them otherwise people will start questioning me.

"Ok, I'm coming." I say getting up.

"1991 Skyline, a sky blue GTST?" I ask. I was staring at the number plate….

"Yeah… something wrong with that?"

"It was Kyle's car."

"Oh was it, well I just brought it today so I must have gotten it off his wife. I know where it is." The night Kyle died we were in that very car. I jump into the passenger seat. He gets in and starts driving.

"Eric, can I ask you something?" No! He It feels like its happening again, this time I'll just answer no.

"No, Kenny I'm sorry… just don't…" Kenny looks at me with curiosity but doesn't bother to say anything. During the entire trip we didn't speak at all.

"Hi Nelly," I say with a fake sad expression.

"Hey Eric, hey aren't you the guy who brought Kyle's car?" She asked.

"Yeah and I didn't know you were Nelly… you look so different. I'm Kenny McCormick, I dunno if you remember me."

"Oh yeah, when we were little you always used to around Kyle, Stan and Eric. You used to wear that stupid orange parka and your voice was all muffled."

"My parka wasn't stupid." Kenny said annoyed as we walked into the house.

"Mummy, mummy… where's daddy?" Jessica asked. She was nearly 4 and the youngest of Kyle's children.

"Daddy is gone for a little." Nelly replied. She came over to me crying, I didn't want any of this.

"Uncle fat ass, where's daddy?" Kenny started laughing. Kyle had programmed her to call me Uncle fat ass.

"Oh hey fat ass," Stan said walking into the room. He was 8 yrs old and was an exact copy of Kyle when he was little. He even wore the green mittens and orange jacket. He wore his father's stupid green hat all the time.

"I'm fine, how are you?" I wanted to yell at him that I killed his father, his father was nothing but a worthless Jew but I don't want to say that in case if Kenny will use it as evidence when I get caught.

"Alright but it hurts dude…." I feel so happy when he says that, I have hurt his family. I continue to destroy him even after his death.


End file.
